Random One Shots
by ZePuKa
Summary: [Discontinued] Random one shots of the hobbits life in the shire, prologue explains it all, Rated K plus for insane randomness and mild violence
1. Intro

**Random One Shots**

**A/N:** well, this story is my first LOTR fic, and it takes place when the hobbits are in Rivendell and are bored as the wait for the council of Elrond to begin. These are one shot stories of the hobbits life in the shire as is told by the hobbits when they are Rivendell to ease their boredom. Constructive criticisms welcome, however flames shall be smote with my ever powerful and mighty spam blocker! (mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!) I hope you all enjoy it, my aim was to keep lotr as sacred as possible to the design of tolkein, but with some added comic relief, in which I hope I have not gone overboard with… Anyway, onward!

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INTRODUCTION/PROLOGUE/WHATEVER YOU WANNA CALL IT **

It was a relatively pleasant day in Rivendell, with only the foreboding sense of Elrond's council looming in the back of the hobbits' minds. They were enjoying there stay in the city of elves, and very reluctant to leave it so soon. The hobbits known as Pippin, Merry, Sam, and Frodo were congregated on a sandy shore next to the peaceful river that had once, enraged, carried the dark riders down stream to places and depths unknown. A still silence in the air, each hobbit knew that the other was fretting, the tension in the air seemed overwhelming, in the magically enhanced peace and calm that surrounded them.

Pippin, even though he was just as nervous as the others, was able to control it as he skipped pebbles in the water to distract himself.

Merry watched the pebbles soundlessly, daydreaming of the Shire and what mischief he could be making if he were there and this whole dark situation had never happened.

Sam was sprawled out on the sand, absorbing the sun's warmth, thinking about how Rosie and his dear old gaffer were faring, though he would never think of leaving his dear 'Mr. Frodo'.

Frodo, a little detached from the group, was mulling over the circumstances in his mind, troubling himself greatly over what this hole adventure had in store for him, if he'd be returning to the Shire, or going onward. It all depended on the decisions made at the council in a few hours' time.

Suddenly Pippin sat bolt upright, and exclaimed, "This is nonsense! The more I just sit here, the more I worry about you going to the council, Frodo! I need to get my mind of it, and sitting here isn't going to help, I propose that we do something, something to distract us all!"

The other hobbits just stared at him for a moment, surprised at his sudden outburst. However, Merry soon stood up and declared, "Pippin's right for once," (Pippin glared at him) "We need to do something, anything to ease this boredom!

"Well," Sam began.

"Anybody else have any ideas?" Merry interrupted.

"Hey, I wasn't finished!" Sam exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know, did it ever occur to you that I simply didn't want you to finish?" Merry replied.

"Oh yeah? Well, maybe I didn't want to finish either!" Sam responded feebly, not able to think of anything clever.

The other hobbits gave him a perplexed look, all except Frodo, that is, he was still deep in thought by the riverbank, seemingly indifferent to the argument taking place.

"Hey I know!" Pippin exclaimed, "We could sneak into Gandalf's house, take his pipe, and see how long it takes him to realize we have it!"

"Nah, that won't work, he carries that thing everywhere with him." Sam said quickly before he could be cut off.

The hobbits made several other suggestions, each one being blown off and disregarded, all except Frodo, he was still glued to the riverbank, with Elmer's superglue. ('I wonder how long it will take him to realize that he can't move when he wants to…' Pippin thought, thinking that maybe he shouldn't have used so much superglue, he hadn't thought Frodo would stay still for so long…)

"Well what do you think we should do, Mr. Frodo?" Samwise Gamgee (I LOVE that name!) addressed Frodo, finally noticing that the troubled hobbit had not said anything.

Frodo did not seem to hear Sam, and continued looking into space, deep in thought.

Sam hobbled over, gave Frodo a slight poke in the back and said, "Um, Mr. Frodo?"

Still no reaction.

"Hello? Mr. FRODOOOOOOOO! Middle earth to FRODOOOOO!" he yelled directly in his ear, poking him repeatedly.

"Huh, what?" Frodo replied, after shaking his head a bit to clear it.

Sam started to answer but Pippin cut in saying, "WE BORED GANDALF PIPE MERRY MEAN SAM DUMB FRODO GLUED SAM YELL LOOK A SQUIRREL!" and he started chasing a red squirrel that crossed his path.

"Uhhhhhh, yeah." Merry surmised, "What I think he means is that we need something to do and were wondering if you had any ideas?"

"Well, my dear old Bilbo would recite poetry or sing a song, but since we aren't dimwitted fools I suggest we reminisce for no apparent reason."

"You mean we aren't dimwitted fools? SWEET!" Merry Exclaimed.

"Riiiiight... Well, how about if I start since it was my idea?" Frodo commented.

"Sounds good to me." Merry stated.

"Yes Mr. Frodo, you can go first!" Sam enthusiastically suggested.

"Hold on, we should go get Pippin first, that squirrel is starting to froth at the mouth." Frodo pointed out to the other two.

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**A/N:** well, that's the intro, all the following chapters will be one shots of the hobbits telling of their adventures. So, stay tuned to hear Frodo's tale, and to see if he can be rescued from his ummm, _sticky_ situation… 


	2. Part One Frodos Frolick

**A/N:** howdy! How ya'll fairin'? anyhoo, here's Frodo's story of an adventure in the shire.

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**The Untold Adventures of the Hobbits: Frodo's Frolic through the meadow**

"Alright, listen up," Frodo began as Pippin finally joined the others on the river bank to listen to Frodo's story, "One upon a Saturday in the Shire…"

"FRODO! WAKE UP YOU SCURVEY DOG!" Bilbo yelled, trying to awake Frodo from his 3pm slumber on Saturday morn-well afternoon anyway.

"Iuwunnagehupt!" Frodo mumbled from underneath the covers.

"What?" Bilbo asked.

"I DON'T WANNA GET UP! WAHHHHHH!"

"That's enough!" Bilbo said, slapping him, "Stop acting like a baby! It's 3 pm already!"

"WHAT? I missed breakfast? BOTH of them?"

"Yes, and they'll be no capn' crunch either for little hobbits who sleep in to late!"

"N-no capn' Cr-crunch?" Frodo stuttered, tears forming in his eyes and chibi-like features forming on his face, much like a puppy-dog pout.

"Nope."

"How can you be so cruel?"

"It just comes naturally, I guess." Bilbo replied, pretending to think on it, "Now get to work!"

* * *

"Just whistle while you work, pht, pht, pbbbhhh! Darn it! I can't whistle!" Frodo sang while he scrubbed the floors, washed the windows, did the dishes, did the laundry, cleaned the fish tank, swabbed the deck, waxed the car, polished the firebolt… wait, what was my point again? "Frodo! Are you done cleaning yet?" Bilbo yelled from the living room where he was watching the newest episode of 'Totalitarianism and Managing Your New Slaves for Dummies Show' while eating popcorn and mountain dew pitch black.

"Almost!" Frodo called back then sighed, "Oh, I wish I could go outside and play with my friends instead of being a slave to the house."

"Your wish is my command, no wait, that's the genie's line!" Frodo heard someone say from behind him. Armed with a mop, Frodo spun around and called, "Who's there?"

"Silly Frodo," A flying old person said to him, "I haven't even said 'knock knock' yet!"

"Who- who are you?" Frodo asked fearfully of the freakishly ugly woman who was hovering in front of him.

"I am your fairy godmother's sister's great aunt of course!"

"My what?" Frodo inquired.

"Oh never mind, tell me, what do you wish to do?"

Before Frodo could answer however, she turned her head toward the tv and exclaimed, "Ooh! This is my favorite commercial!"

Frodo followed her into the living room where Bilbo now reclined sleeping (and snoring) in front of the tv and listened to the commercial:

Tostitos Doritos is proud to announce our latest product: DORKITOS!

Frodo watched as the announcer stepped back to reveal a choir of oompah loompas who began to sing a song. (To the tune of 'Keep Walking' from veggitales' Josh and the Big Wall, check it out)

The Oompah Loompas got their pitches and than began to sing:

DORKITOS! Little dorks who look like apes,  
DORKITOS! Have glasses fixed with tape,  
With HUGE buck-teeth, and B.O. fit to kill  
'Cause these dorkitos were made to make you ill!

"Oh I just love that song!" Frodo's mother's sister's whatever's great aunt said and began humming it.

"Well, you asked what I wanted, and I wanna go outside to frolic in the flowers!" Frodo exclaimed in a disturbingly girlish kind of voice.

"Who look like- oh, were you talking to me darling?" she replied in mid-song.

"No, I was talking to the dust bunnies on the ceiling!" he shot back sarcastically.

"Okay then! Have glasses fixed with tape!" she sang, not noticing his cynicism.

"Yo fairy god mother, I ain't got no time tuh be wastin' so you bettuh git your sorry behind over here and listen to Frodo's wish!" a voice exclaimed eerily from above them.

"Made to make you- pardon? Who said that?" the fairy asked, looking around.

"I did!" a voice called from what appeared to be Bilbo's food tray.

"Aunt Jemimah?" Frodo asked, examining the bottle of Aunt Jemimah syrup next to Bilbo's stack of pancakes, and to his surprise, the face on the bottle moved and replied, "No, the dust bunnies on the ceiling! Of course Aunt Jemimah! Where's yo' head at boy?"

"Okay, I'm beginning to get a little weirded out now." Frodo stated.

* * *

Frodo paused, not saying a word until Merry asked, "Well? What happens next?"

"Well, I will tell you soon, but I have to take a tinkle but I can't seem to move."

"Yeah, about that…" Pippin started.

"Whhhhhat?" Frodo asked in the kind of way mothers do when they know you're hiding something.

"Well, I sorta, kinda, mighta, and in other words coulda played a little um joke on you. Heh. Heh." He said with a guilty grin on his face.

"You're lucky I can't move, or else I'd be hard pressed not to smite you!" Frodo yelled, grabbing the closest thing he could get his hands on (which happened to be a certain rabid squirrel) and chucked it at Pippin, but being a klutz missed by 10 miles and somehow managed to get it thrown on a collision course with Legolas who was approaching them.

"Gasp! Squeekers! Nooooo!" Pippin cried out, running to the elf to save his squirrel.

"GAH!" Legolas cried as the squirrel proceeded to scratch his face and hands in a desperate attempt to escape.

Pippin took a running leap and landed on Legolas' shoulder and grabbed the squirrel who then began to attack Pippin.

"That's my good little cutsie wootsie squeekers-OW!" Pippin cooed.

"Noooo! MY beautiful FACE! RUINED! WAHHHHHHHHH!" Legolas cried out then ran off to the nurse's office.

"Pippin! Get me off of this cursed spot of ground!" Frodo cried out amidst the confusion.

"I'm trying to!" he called out, blindly staggering around as the rabid squirrel clawed his face.

"Ya know, I don't think squeekers likes you too much." Merry stated.

"Don't be silly," Pippin replied, "Of course he-OW!"

"Riiiiight." Merry replied, "Now can we get on with the story?"

"Well I still have to use the potty!" Frodo cried in a little kid voice.

"I'll save you Mr. Frodo!" Sam cried and the immediately tried to yank Frodo from his seat.

"OW! That hurts!" Frodo yelped.

"TOO BAD!"

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**A/N:** Well, I know I said these would be one-shots, but this is getting kinda long and I've had too much mountain dew (check out the story I wrote about it, the insanity volumes describe in great detail my behavior during those times) and I fear the story is getting way too crazy so I'll except any flames ya got b/c I know I deserve them, and tomorrow I'll try to throw some sense into part II of the story, but for now, SUGAR! Sugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugar! I think I'll go to bed now… 


	3. Part Two Frodos Frolick

**Comments:**

**Aaidenkae**: you stole my dorkitos! pleze say i can still use them please please

please! after all they were my idea you just got there first! please

please please! loved the song by the way. hows frodo gonna get unstuck?

will legolas need plastic surgery? update soon! please.

**- Yes** I know I stole them, I meant to cite them, but you know how forgetful I can be especially when I'm super hyper! So yes, here's my apology, I'm glad you like the song, I was so siked when I came up with it during lunch, I actually wrote it down on a napkin! So sure, it's yours, you use it, and feel free to use mine, it's not like they're copyrighted or anything. Oh by the way, please don't read my mind, now everyone's gonna know that Legolas gets plastic surgery! Oh well, I guess great minds think alike, no? ttyl Aaidenkae! - **ZePuKa**

**A/N:** So yeah, I apologize once again that my first one-shot is now a 2-parter. (how lame is that?) But really, I had to stop before it got to crazy and caused you all misery! So now, I shall try to finish this in a semi-sane way…

**Frodo's Frolic- Part II**

Once upon a time in a faraway squirrel kindom lived a little rabid squirrel names squeekers, who had no relation whatsoever to pippin's squeeker. Well, on day he was out for his daily terrorizing rampage when he heard a terrible sound…

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"I'M SORRY MR. FRODO BUT I HAD TO!" screamed Merry over the din of Frodo's high-pitched, screeching wails of pain that started when he was ripped mercilessly from his sticky seat by the river. ("AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!...")

* * *

Let's now rejoin with our fluffy and lethal squirrel… 

"ARGH! Who dares disturb my rampage? They shall pay! CHARGE!"

* * *

"Stop it!" Pippin said between 'Ow's, "You're making Squeekers go berserk!" 

Frodo kept screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and- (man, I feel like that pink bunny with the drum…)

"Uh, Mr. Frodo?" Merry stated, poking him to get his attention.

"…HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!- what?" Frodo asked in the middle of a scream before continuing his screaming.

"Well, Mr. Frodo, your screaming seems to be attracting a lot of erm… squirrels, of the rabid variety."

"Squeekers! You didn't tell me you had relatives!" Pippin exclaimed, "welcome my little furry frothing pets, yes you cutesie wootsie- ow! Stop biting me!"

"SILENCE!" came a shout from over the din.

"Gandalf!" Pippin exclaimed, "Wanna meet my cute and furry little friends? This one's squiggles and- OW! Mr. squiggles you know better and- OW! FLUFFY! How could you? I thought you were the tame one of the group- OW!"

"Erm, no thanks, I think I'll pass." Gandalf replied after his call to attention had stopped everyone in their tracks except Pippin and his… cuddly pets.

"Now," he began, "This is no way to tell a story Frodo, you should be ashamed of yourself!"

"But-the glue, then the-the squirrels, and the-PAIN!" Frodo stammered incoherently.

"Yes, yes I know, now get on with your story! TODAY!"

"Alright, Fine." Frodo replied with a pout, "Now where was I? oh yes, and Pippin, please keep a hold on those rabid squirrels so they don't attack me!"

"What? They couldn't harm a fly! And they aren't rabid, they're… just… misunderstood! Isn't that right, Mr. Squeekers? Ow!" Pippin replied defiantly.

"Then I guess that makes you're lower than a fly…" Gandalf stated, "Now on with the story before I fire you!"

"You can't fire me! I'm-"

"I said ON WITH THE STORY!"

(squeak) "Okay!"

* * *

"_Aunt Jemimah?" Frodo asked, examining the bottle of Aunt Jemimah syrup next to Bilbo's stack of pancakes, and to his surprise, the face on the bottle moved and replied, "No, the dust bunnies on the ceiling! Of course Aunt Jemimah! Where's yo' head at boy?" _

"_Okay, I'm beginning to get a little weirded out now." Frodo stated._

(btw, that was the re-cap)

"Well yo' should be foo!" Aunt Jemimah continued, "Now fairy godmudder o' 'dis heh chile', yo' bettuh stop yo' poor imitation of singin' and grant that wish so I can git on wit' my nap!"

"'cause these dorkitos were made to make you ill! What? Oh yes, of course." The fairy godmother replied at the end of her song, "Now Frodo, what do you wish?"

"I wanna go outside to frolic in the flowers!" Frodo repeated again in his freakishly girlish voice, rolling the 'r' of 'frolic'.

"Very well, your wish is my command!" the plump pixie replied, "Oh fudge! That's the genie's line! Oh well!" and with a wave of her wand Frodo was outside in a huge green field containing flowers in all the colors of the rainbow.

"Oh! I love skittle valley!" Frodo squealed in his unnaturally high and overly cheerful voice.

Then without warning he began to skip and dance through the flowers, singing "la la la la la la LAAHAHAHAHA!" and in his yellow vest he uncannily seems to resemble lala the teletubbie…

"Tinky-winky!" Frodo sang, "Dispy! Lala! PO!"

"Uh, Mr. Frodo?" Sam called as he came upon Frodo in the field.

"GAHHH!" Frodo screamed like a girl for he had thought he was alone, "Uh, hi!"

"Okay, I believe I shall dismiss your seemingly childish behavior and ask you if you have heard this one, very delightful song that goes:

Dorkitos! Little dorks who look like apes!"

Frodo started running around and screaming, "no, No, NOOOOOO! Why, oh why, must you torment me so?"

Suddenly Gollum approached and looked upon the scene curiously. "Stupid hobbitsess, don't know how they was able to take our precious! We must attack! No, No! we must not be seen! We musn'test be seen! ATTACK! NO! we's not supposed to be seen! Stupid hobbitsess don't know we existes! PRECIOUS!"

Suddenly Frodo noticed something out of the corner of his eye, "Uh, sam?"

"what?"

"What do you suppose that thing is over there that seems to be undecided in which direction it's going?"

Sam studied the creature and pondered awhile before answering, "Well, Mr. Frodo, it seems to me as thought this creature was once a hobbit, but is now plagued by inner demons and other schizophrenic mentalities, has forgotten the taste of bread, has acquired a taste for sushi, has previously made a living in poker but has a bright future as an indentured servant and a tour guide."

"dang, how do you bloody do that?" Frodo replied, mouth open.

"I dunno, maybe it's cuz I'm a dorkito! Dorkitos! Little dorks who look like apes! Dorkitos! Have glasses fixed with tape! With huge buck teeth and b.o. fit to kill cuz these dorkitos, were made to make you ill!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-"

* * *

"Mr. Frodo, wake up!" 

"hm what?"

"you were having a bad dream mr. Frodo, was it the dark riders? Was it the evil Sauron?"

"What? Who?"

"Oh wait, you don't know about them yet! Oopsie!"

"How do you bloody do that?"

* * *

**A/N:** yeah, it was stupid and random and it was a two-parter one shot for cryin out loud! So yeah, all your flames welcome, I know it sucked, but I just needed to get all this randomness out of my system, I promise future one-shots WILL be one-shots and not so random! oh yeah, the 'how do you bloody do that' was from muppet treasure island when captain bones commented on the inkeeper cuz she can hear everything! "how DOES she bloody do that?"

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	4. Attack of the Squirrels

_AaidenKae:_ hey! Yeah, I love my rabid squirrels…. cuddles them ouch! Don't bite your auntie zepuka! tosses it squirrel: ahhhhh-oof!-squeak! So yeah, glad you likes it, It was really really really really random and I was (am) on too much of a sugar high, so I'll try to tone it down… just a wee bit!

_The Hobbit Lass:_ squeals ahh! You actually read this! HOW DARE YOU! IT IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF YOUR TIME YOU SHOULD BE CHECKING OUT SOME OTHER AND BETTER MATERIAL SUCH AS SOME REALLY GOOD ONES DONE BY THIS PERSON NAMED THE HOBBIT LASS! You wouldn't happen to know her, would you?

**

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A/N: yeah, I know, Frodo's story was completely messed up, I don't know WHAT kind of sugar I digested, but it must have been a double espresso kind! Anyways, I will try to wind down a bit, and that starts in this chapter, and each will progressively (hopefully) even out a bit, cuz right now, it's just a little TOO strange for my liking…**

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**Chapter 4:** When squirrels attack. (oh yeah, this title sounds SO promising in the area of 'winding down'…)

And now my friends, we must exit the purely complex and bizarre mind of our dearly beloved hobbit and return to the reality that is… Rivendell, where everything logical breathes. (or at least used to, until I came along and messed with their realm of perfection and tranquility where everything makes sense… or at least before…)

"That was outrageous!" Pippin exclaimed, waking the squirrel that had fallen asleep in his lap during Frodo's tale.

"Yes, I know," Frodo commented, "but it was only a dream, so preposterous things can be expected."

"No! that's not what I meant!" Pippin shouted even louder, causing the squirrels at his feet to begin to awake from their naps. "What's crazy is that Aunt Jemimah was talking to you!"

"…Um yeah," Frodo cut in, "It was a dream."

"A very inaccurate one!" Pippin shouted, making the rest of the gathered squirrels start to stir. "It's not Aunt Jemimah who talks, it's Mrs. Butterworth who talks!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. All the squirrels were awake now, many of them angered at being aroused from their slumber.

"Okay, Perregrin, let's not get too upset now." Gandalf chided, sensing the squirrels' irritability.

'Upset? UPSET? Pardon me, Mr. know-it-all-wizzy, but it is my plan to make everyone here as upset as I am! So everyone had better-AHHHHHH!" Pippin yelled as the squirrels began to attack after a strange squeaky voice emanated from the general area of Pippin's lap that strangely resembled something to the effect of 'CHARGE!'

"Mr. Gandalf!" Sam called, "aren't you going to help poor Pippin?"

Gandalf seemed to ponder this for awhile, pulling out his pipe and taking time to puff a few times that stated, "…NAH!"

The hobbits' jaws dropped about what must have been 10 feet in surprise before Merry finally found the strength to close his jaw and ask, "But why?"

"OW! OUCH! Uh, Guys? OWWIE! A little help! OUCHY! PLEASE?" Pippin cried out between the evil hisses of the attacking squirrels.

"Because, dear hobbits, HE CALLED ME A WIZZY! WAHHHH!" Gandalf finished in a childish whiny voice.

"I'M SOORRY! I OW! WON'T DO IT AGAIN! OWWIES!" Pippin cried.

"Oh, alright I suppose," Gandalf replied, "BUT I WANNA GO NEXT AND TELL MY STORY!" (again in a childish whiny voice)

"ANYTHING! JUST OW! DO IT NOW! MOMMY!" Pippin cried, making even more rabid squirrels attack him.

"Heh-hem," Gandalf began, "Squirrels! BEGONE!"

The squirrels stopped attacking Pippin to see who had commanded them to do such a ridiculous task, their red eyes glaring at Gandalf.

"Don't look at me, that elf over there was the one that spoke!" Gandalf explained with his fingers crossed, motioning to an approaching Legolas.

"Hello my inferior friends!" Legolas greeted, "How are your- why are those malicious squirrels looking at me as though I'm their next meal?"

Gandalf just rocked back and forth on his heels, whistling a nervous tune. "I didn't do it!"

"Oh, you will pay!" Legolas cried before running off screaming like a little girl.

"But I don't have any money!" Gandalf cried after him.

"Well you better get some OW! Because this face cost me 300 GALLEONS!"

"what's a galleon?"

"I dunno, I think some Rowling person was trying to make the elves switch to it in Rivende-OW!"

"Well, I guess since Legolas has kindly offered to entertain the squirrels for us, I suggest we gather round now and listen to my delightful story!"

* * *

**A/N:** Yup, Gandalf's tale is next! stay tuned for it, rabid squirrels, and Legolas' new face! R&R! 


	5. Part One Gandalf's Guru Gourmet

**A/N:** well, here is the next one! this is basically Gandalf's kitchen experiences, based (and by based, I mean exaggerated) on my own experiences, plus an experience a few of my bestest friends, Aaidenkae (SPORK!) so anyway, I'd like to thank Bizarro4 because he had stated something about making dinner which just triggered the chain reaction for this story, so yeah, thanks for being the detonator! Mwahahahahaha:cough:cough: yeah…

* * *

**Chapter 4:** **Gandalf's Guru Gourmet** (I know it's tacky, but please read on!)

"Once upon a time," Gandalf began.

"Wait, does this 'once upon a time' business mean that you're telling a fairytale? GASP! You're LYING to us!" Pippin exclaimed, waving an accusing finger at Gandalf.

"SILENCE YOU FOOL!" Gandalf bellowed, which resulted in the virtual shrinking of Pippin who squeaked in terror like a squirrel and hid under a rock.

"Hey! That's MY rock!" Merry shouted, yanking it from a terrified Pippin, who was now shaking uncontrollably. "Did that scary old Pippin scare you? Don't worry; mommy'll take good care of you!" Merry murmured to the rock.

"What is the meaning of this?" Gandalf yelled, brandishing his staff to show his fury.

(SILENCE.)

"WELL? ANSWER ME!" he shrieked.

"Eep!" Pippin squeaked and retreated behind the same rock, only this time taking Merry with him.

"Um, Merry? The big scary man is being mean to me!" Pippin whined.

"So? What do I care?"

"But, but! You were comforting that rock!"

"Uh! He is not a rock! He is a human being with feelings just like you and me! No wait, He's got feelings like me! You, on the other hand are just a cold and unfeeling little twerp who has an obsession with rabid squirrels!"

"Hey! Those squirrels are people just like you and me? Never mind, they are people like me, where you are just a … just a… A ROCK LOVER!"

"I SAID SILENCE!" Gandalf roared, silencing the bickering hobbits. "It's my turn to tell the story and I'll tell the story now and no one will stop me! Or else!"

"Or else what?" Merry asked.

"OR ELSE I'M TELLING MOM!"

"You wouldn't! not… not…!" Merry gasped, then lowering his voice to a whisper continued, "_She who must not be named?_"

"I would, so SHUT THE HECK UP AND BE SILENCED OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF SHE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!"

(Pause)

"Now, where was I?" Gandalf asked in a calm voice, as though nothing had happened despite the pale faces on the hobbits.

"Oh yes, Once upon a time…"

* * *

"Yo, Gandi!" (a play on ghandi…)

"Yeah?" Gandalf replied, turning around to reveal a purple robe trimmed with ropes and beads, wearing a hippie head band and pink tinted glasses.

"You remember that thing about the thing for the thing?"

"You know it!" Gandalf replied, directing a peace sign at his friend.

"Really? 'Cause I really don't get the whole Pi R squared thing."

"Pies are square? AWESOME! Dude, you really know how to look at things for what they really are!"

"Uh, right, so I'll see ya 'round, Gandi?"

"Absolutely!"

"Oh GANDALFIE!" An annoyingly high female voice called from the back window of the house in who's backyard Gandalf and his friend were standing.

"Ugh, yes matron person?" Gandalf replied with a grunt.

"GANDALFIE! YOU ARE NOT TO ADDRESS YOUR MOTHER IN SUCH A MANNER!"

"Sorry matr-Uh I mean mother!"

"Now come inside this instant!"

"Okay, later dude!" Gandalf called to his retreating friend, "Why do they always flee when my matron figure is here?"

"Okay, Gandalfie, I have to go on errands so I need you to cook dinner, okay? Thank you! You're such a dear boy!"

"Whatever."

"Bye!" she called as she slammed the door, making Gandalf suddenly believe he was in a prison cell.

"Okay, let's have good ol' pasta for dinner! Tcha! (the surfer's ya)"

Gandalf then tore apart the kitchen in search of a pot, but found none despite his raid of each and every cabinet, the microwave, the dishwasher, under the table, in the cat food tray, under the car hood, in the fish bowl ("Dude! I wondered where that remote went! It was keeping this upside down fish company all this time!"), under the carpet in the bathroom, behind the couch, in the toilet bowl, in his little sister's Barbie house ("Dude, where'd my sister go anyway? Oh yeah, wasn't I supposed to pick her up from swim practice a week or two back? Oh well!"), in-between the mattresses, in a water-bottle ("Hey, what's this fuzzy green stuff? I wonder if it tastes any good? Awesome! I should use this in tonight's pasta!"), in the CD drive in the computer ("Dude, what's a computer? …Or a cd?"), under the phone, in the mailbox ("Coolies! I got a free sample of herbal essences fruity tuity passion punch! Awesome!"), and finally, in the bathtub. ("Is the water supposed to be orange?")

"Dude! Where are the freakin' pots? Oh well! I shall just have to use that fish bowl!"

So Gandalf got the fish bowl and dumped the upside-down fish into the bathtub with orange water ("Well, the water in the tank is almost the same color… hey look! More green stuff! Alright!") and then went to search for the pasta.

"Now if I were pasta, where would I be hiding? Of course!" Gandalf exclaimed as he snapped his fingers, "The doghouse! Spot has some nice Dog-bone shaped noodles!"

So Gandalf retrieved the um, 'dog bone noodles' and set to work preparing the sauce.

"Hmm, what flavor should I make? I know! I'll make a cheddar and salmon sauce!"

He then opened all the drawers, the doors, and compartments in the house until he finally decided to try the freezer where he found a paper-wrapped package of cod fish and threw it into the fish tank, still wrapped. "Oh goody! This is gonna be awesome! Now to find some cheese!" Gandalf looked high and low for the cheese, in the fridge, in his mother's shoes ("Hey! More green stuff!"), in Australia ("Dude, that was a long trip! At least I got some kangaroo meat for the pasta sauce, tcha!") , and finally in the mouse trap in the corner. "All right! I got the cheese!"

Gandalf then threw the cheese he found in the mouse trap (along with the mousetrap I might add…) , the green stuff he had found everywhere, the dog-bone pasta, a cucumber, a bit of wax, a tire, and a bit of gasoline into the fish tank with the cod and stirred it all up with a large spork, which he threw into the tank when he was done stirring and then threw it into the oven, which he had pre-heated to 451 degrees farenheit. (which is approximately 233 degrees Celsius, 506 degrees Kelvin, 186 degrees Reaummur, 911 degrees rankine, etc…)

"Wellp, glad that's taken care of! Time for creative thinking!"

Gandalf then exited the kitchen and went to his room, past the beaded curtains and sat down in his bean bag chair.

"Let's see, how 'bout I create a little crackerish chip thing that resembles a little dork! I'd sell millions! But first I'd need a jingle…. Hmmm…"

Sadly, the amount of energy needed for him to think tired poor Gandalf out and 2 seconds after his thought process had commenced, he was out like a light.

* * *

"But Gandalf, if you went to sleep, how did you know how long it took?" Sam asked, interrupting Gandalf's story.

"SILENECE YOU FOOL!"

"What is up with you and that phrase? You've said it a million times already!" Merry exclaimed.

"SILENCE YOU FOOL!"

"See? You just did it again!"

"I SAID SILENCE YOU DIMWITTED SON OF A 2 FACED GORRILLA NAMED FRED!"

"See? Now was that so difficult? A little variety never hurt anybody…"

WHACK!

"Would you like to regroup and rephrase that?"

"WAHHH! Gandalf hit me! Why do you have to be so cruel?"

WHACK!

"Because, it's in my nature, now SILENCE YOU FOOL!"

* * *

**A/N:** Hey, I decided to cut it off there, aren't I just so great at writing one-shots? Anyway, I've decided to make it one of my messed up traditions, to make 2 parter one shots! Woo! Well, stay tuned! 


	6. Announcement

ANOUNCEMENT:

I am discontinuing the LOTR Random One Shots Series, as I do not really care for them myself and I do not consume enough sugar to keep on writing them… xD


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